Beauty-ful.

As you can see from the pic, our kitchen countertops were de rigueur…in 1968. Apparently they were the contractor’s special at the time; white laminate with artfully placed flecks of “gold” smattered throughout. Um..ick? Even worse is that the gold flecks have long ago disappeared and left behind little black flecks in their wake. Black flecks that create an unappetizing “roach turd” effect. That’s how I’ve been referring to them since we moved into our ‘68 ranch fixer-upper in 2002: the roach turd counters. Sweet.

So I nearly tinkled on myself yesterday in Lowe’s when I spotted an economical countertop revival solution: Countertop Paint. New. From Rustoleum. I have yet to try it, but I’ve been fairly impressed with Rustoleum products in the past. The paint appears to cost about $22 per quart - which seems a bit pricey, but will probably easily coat the countertops of a small kitchen (like ours) and may yield enough leftover for a bathroom countertop (which has the same beauty-ful black flecks). It’s an option I’m keeping in mind (just in case I can’t find a cheaper alternative).

<<Update>> I did a little checking on the Rustoleum website and yes, the countertop paint comes in 1-qt. cans which, they claim, will cover 25 linear feet of hideous countertops.

However, as an “artsy” type who is less-than-thrilled with Rustoleum’s bland countertop palette, I did a little research on other paint options. Most artciles stress that cleaning and prep are crucial (clean every last smidge of goo with sudsy ammonia) and also sand counters to give them some tooth (a texture the paint will adhere to). Additionally, you will want to sand the paint lightly between coats and finish all your work with some sort of sealant. I have tried using run-of-the-mill polyurethane for this, but it just does not hold up to hardened egg whites at all. An appealing finish option (if you want bullet-proof counters like me) is garage floor sealant which will withstand such abuse as puddles of water, egg whites (prayerfully), and even gasoline if by chance this substance ever makes it’s way to your kitchen counters.

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Yet another constant irritation for the last seven years is the rate at which mildew multipies in our unvented master bath. No vent + shower humdity + Florida climate = smelly yucky mess. And also equals extremely fruitless and frustrating cleaning procedures.  I cannot count the times I have scrubbed the grout lines in our tiled shower surround with a toothbrush and straight bleach - only to be rewarded with gray (not white) grout that’s moldy again in a week. And have you ever scrubbed an entire shower surround with a toothbrush?! Sheesh. I have better things to do with my time (like blog).

So, with a (very) deep sigh, I told my husband that what we really needed to do was regrout the shower surround. This is a labor-intensive endeavor which also requires a modest sum spent on grout saw, new grout, and sealer. B didn’t want to spend the money, and frankly, I didn’t want to spend the effort.

I had heard about grout pens in the past and smugly thought to myself that this method of grout restoration was impure and dishonest. Only cheaters use grout pens.

Enter mom with beans-and-rice budget who would rather blog than spend hours restoring shower surround.

So. I bought two grout pens (in a fit of spendthriftiness) and methodically cleaned the grout (see above) and allowed to dry per package instructions. The pen worked beautifully - for about 25% of the shower. The paint then began flowing irregularly and the nib was getting shredded. At least the manufacturers were aware of the nib problem and outfitted the pen with a reversible nib (just reverse to other side when one gets shredded), although this second nib seemed to wear out twice as fast as the first one. I even tried to sharpen the nib back to a point with  a kitchen knife. No luck. So I removed then nib, dug out my art supplies and tried to at least salvage the paint inside the pen by sticking my paintbrush down in it. Still out of luck.

I had already read that the ingredients in the pen were basically latex (water-based) paint and grout sealer mixed together. In a fit of ingenuity I determined that my el-cheapo artist’s acrylics (water-based) and my Grumbacher paintbrush would make fine substitutions for a grout pen.

And they did. Although they were a bit messier than the pen, that was not a problem since the water-based paint easily wipes off glossy tile with a dampened rag.

The only thing I would add to this cheaper version of grout restoration is to finish your art with an actual grout sealer - unless you have a sick desire to repeat this process again in six months. And invest (gasp!) in a cleaner specifically made for tile and grout. Bleach does not do well with either grout or paint - so I’ve learned.

Happy terrorizing.

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